Natomas Magazine!!! Yeppie!

Hello everyone,

I am very excited to be in the November issue of the Natomas Magazine.  My book Mommies' Priceless Moments is available as an ebook at barnesandnoble.com and amazon.com, here is the link:
http://www.amazon.com/Mommies-Priceless-Moments-ebook/dp/B005CBJCQU/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1320007307&sr=8-1

Thank you for all your support! :-)

Check Out Mother Road

I am very excited! Sofia, author of Mother Road has just done a review on my book Mommies’ Priceless Moments. Check out her blog at: http://motheroad.wordpress.com/2011/09/13/just-what-you-needmore-stories-about-poop/

Not only can you read the review she did on my book, but her blog is hilarious! Like me she is a real mom who is not afraid to talk about motherhood. J

The Terrible Twos!

I am so over the statement “I WOULD NEVER” when it comes to my son, Tyson. I have put my foot in my mouth way too many times. For example:

1.       What I said: “I will never let my baby sleep in the bed with me at night, that’s crazy I would probably smother it or something!”

What I did: My son slept in my bed until he was about 1 ½ years old. I guess technically you can say he still sleeps in my bed due to the fact the he wakes up in the middle of the night and comes to my bed. L

2.       What I said: “I will never breastfeed my baby past the first year! That’s just gross!”

What I did: We all know what I did. My son is about to be 2 on the 29^th… I’m working on it. Every time I try to give him regular cow’s milk he spits it out. L No one ever warns you about all the little difficult tasks you'll have to endure as a mom.

3.       What I said:  “Listen to that kid screaming! If I ever have a baby it will never throw a tantrum like that… That has to be embarrassing.”

How I feel:  Oh no not another tantrum, this is so embarrassing! Why does he have to scream so loud? I can barely hold on to him when he stiffens his 45 pound body like a piece of wood.

This list could go on forever… But it reminds me of some really good information I want to share with you about toddlers and tantrums. It’s from the October 2011 Awake published by the Watchtower Bible and Tract Society. It explains why toddlers go through “the terrible twos” and I found it very fitting, I am going to quote a piece of the article:

               

“Parents of infants are kept quite busy responding to their newborn’s everyday needs. Baby cries, and someone is there to feed him. Baby cries, and someone is there to change him. Baby cries, and someone is there to hold him. Such pampering is appropriate and necessary. It is a primary way that parents fulfill their role as caretakers. In view of the above, it is only natural if a baby believes that he is at the center of the universe and that adults-in particular, parents-exist solely to do his bidding. That view is flawed but completely understandable. Remember, for more than a year, that has been the baby’s reality. In his view, he is the monarch of an empire populated by big people who were put here to serve him…

...At about age two, the bubble does indeed burst as a parent shifts roles from caretaker to instructor. Now the baby becomes aware that his parents are not following his lead; instead, he is being expected to follow theirs. The baby’s monarch has been overthrown, and he may not take well to the new regime. Frustrated, he attempts to hold his ground. How?” – Watchtower Bible and Tract Society. “How to Raise Responsible Children.” October 2011, p5.

Doesn’t that totally make sense? I couldn’t believe it when I read it. I felt like it was written just for me. It helps me understand why Tyson is throwing his tantrums. The Awake goes on to talk about coping with tantrums. I’ll share that piece of the article with you another day. Tyson has already been napping for about an hour. I doubt I have time to type up that portion right now…

This reminds me of the time Tyson puked in my hair… a little embarrassing…

I’m actually a little embarrassed. I was hoping to do something good by partnering up with the American Cancer Society for a few months and donating money I earned from my book to them. But once I got a hold of them to ask their permission, they didn’t grant it to me. So I guess it will be another year of lacing up the sneakers, and supporting the walk.

On that note, I want to let you know that I was woke up today by my little guys singing SUGA SUGA POW SUGA POW SUGA SUGA and even though it was 4am and I had no idea what he was singing about I couldn’t help but look at him and laugh. Then it hit me, he will be turning 2 at the end of September.  I have so much work to do. My to-do list includes:

1.       Potty training him (I don’t know how I’m going to teach him how to point and aim, but I know it will be my responsibility to teach him, and I know I dread the thought).

2.       Get him to eat with a spoon by himself (I always feed him to avoid the mess).

3.       And no more breastfeeding!!! This currently happens only at night, and I’m ready for it to end! (Just to let you know I tried the whole “Lime Juice” on the nipples thing… it doesn’t work!)

So my life is about to get really hectic…if my writing is a little confusing for a few posts please forgive me.

Twist And Spout

This short story  was sent to me by a mom who wants me to keep her anonymous...You'll understand why once you read her story. I could really relate to her...Once you have a baby your body is just not the same.
urrrg excuse me, "Tyson no no don't chase the dog with daddy's hammer!" Go ahead and read the story I'll catch up with you later.

Everything was all ready for my first night out since having my son a few months earlier.  I bought a new little black dress to flatter my new “mommy” body and headed out with my girls for a few drinks and dancing.  We were having so much fun dancing the night away that I started getting sweaty… really sweaty… particularly in between my legs.  It got so bad that I actually felt a drop of sweat trickle down my leg.  I went to the bathroom to wipe up the sweat and realized my panties were completely soaked and my dress was getting damp.  I quickly put together a “home-made” pad out of toilet paper, dried the dress under the hand dryer and headed back out to the dance floor.  A few minutes later, I felt another trickle down my leg and ran to the bathroom to find that even my homemade pad was soaked!  I stomped my foot out of frustration and was shocked to find when I did, a little urine leaked out!  After a little experimenting, I realized that I was leaking urine every time I bounced, twisted or jumped on the dance floor!  Needless to say, I headed home that night and started practicing my kegel exercises religiously the very next day!

hahah I love this story! Remember, if you enjoy these stories my book is available right now for .99 cents at amazon.com and barnesandnoble.com.

Chews Carefully

I hope this story doesn't make you too sick...I find it hilarious, a mom from Modesto sent it to me.

I could not for the life of me figure out what my daughter was chewing on.  I hadn’t given her any candy or food.  Yet there she was, chomping away on something.  The funny part was that Amber had been doing it for days before I actually figured out what was happening. 

You see, Amber is 2 years old and rambunctious, to say the least.  Her black curly hair is constantly bouncing around with jubilant playfulness.  Because of this, I shrugged off the apparent chewing.  I figured she was fooling around, making another one of those wildly silly faces she loved to make, gnawing on her tongue or lip.  It seemed like she came up with a new facial expression almost weekly.  If I had known what Amber was actually doing, I would have done something about it much sooner.

The day I found out the truth started out like any other day.  I took Amber to a decent restaurant for lunch.  Not fast food, but not really a fancy place, either.  While we were waiting for the food to arrive Amber slipped quietly beneath the table.  I lifted the edge of the black-checkered tablecloth, trying to sneak a peek at whatever she was doing.

Well, folks, there she was, my Pride and Joy - diligently picking at an already chewed piece of Juicy Fruit that was stuck to the underside of the table.  Worse than that, she already had some of it in her mouth and was chewing away, oblivious to the overwhelming disgustingness of her actions. I was repulsed; for an instant, I seriously felt like I might throw up right in front of everybody.  To think that my daughter was eating ABC (Already Been Chewed) bubble gum from the bottom of a restaurant table – gag!  I grabbed the nasty bit of gum she still had in her hand and pulled her from underneath the table.  The piece she was about to eat was full of unidentifiable filth and human hair.

“What are you DOING?” I hollered.  The entire restaurant was staring at me now.  I didn’t care.  I could not get over the fact that Amber had placed this gum in her mouth.  “That’s SO disgusting!  You have no idea where that gum’s been.”  Amber looked up at me calmly, very cool and collected, and made a stern and very serious face. I almost laughed when she said in her two-year-old voice, “I do so know where it’s been.  I got it from under the table.”  She shrugged her little shoulders and acted as if nothing had happened.

I looked around and realized I had created a scene in the restaurant.  I’m sure I turned red with embarrassment.  I scooped up my daughter and headed for the door, forgetting about the food that we ordered.  When we got to the car, I set Amber down for a second, to dig my keys from my purse.

Amber locked on to another piece of ABC bubble gum pressed into the asphalt of the parking lot.  She attacked it with fervor, obviously disappointed and feeling deprived for not having been able to finish the gum inside the restaurant.  That is when it dawned on me: she has been eating ABC gum from all over the place.  Every time I saw her chewing on something, it must have been “used” gum.  Worst of all, she must have been swallowing it, because I never found a single piece of gum left on anything.

I vomited right there in the parking lot.  The whole ordeal ended up being much worse for me than for Amber.  On the bright side, I am thrilled to report that she never got sick; she didn’t contract any rare and fatal diseases.  I’m telling you, my kid must have a cast iron stomach and an immune system to match.  While I, on the other hand, had embarrassed myself in front of the whole restaurant, then proceeded to vomit in their parking lot.  It just goes to show that children are stronger than we think and maybe having already chewed bubble gum as an occasional snack isn’t that big of a deal. YUCK!

Clean Up On Aisle 4

This is one of the stories that got submitted to me that I put in my book. I hope you enjoy it!

I regularly shop at the supermarket during the busiest times, when it is filled with families and children bustling around.  Because of this, I have witnessed a plethora of absolutely hilarious and sometimes even outright deplorable behavior and outbursts from young ones.  Despite all that I have witnessed, this story truly takes the cake as the strangest child behavior I have ever seen and definitely left me shaking my head thinking, “Kids will truly be kids.”

I was shopping in the meat section of my local store, minding my own business and concentrating on choosing the best pork chops for a dinner I was creating that evening.  A family approached beside me, consisting of a young mother and her two sons.  The older son, around age 6, was chatting to his mother incessantly, excitedly telling her a story about a game or something.  The other son, a toddler who looked to be about 2 years old, tagged along behind them.  He seemed to be well behaved, but nothing could have prepared me for what I was about to witness.  The talkative young man distracted the mother from her 2-year-old, who wandered slightly past me and out of his mother's sight beyond the end of the aisle.  Before anyone, except me, could notice what was happening, the toddler had pulled his pants down and squatted to the floor with a huge smile on his face.  I couldn't look away from this little man who totally broke all social norms with this stunt.  He then pulled his pants up and exclaimed, “Mommy! Mommy! I went poo all by myself!”  He was so proud of himself and the attention he garnered with this statement.

As I stand there laughing at what I had just witnessed, the mother rounds the corner and is astounded by what her son has done in the middle of the busy supermarket aisle.  She seems equally embarrassed and stunned as she reprimands the proud boy and hastily retreats from the store, abandoning her cart as well as the mess her child left behind.  Not the nicest layaway plan!

I'm giving it a try...I hope it doesn't hurt...

Hi I am sure no one out there knows me. My name is Amanda Johnson. In short am 26 and I have 4 kids. My daughter Alannah is 16 going on 17 in November. My son Johnny (John) is 14, my other son Jaylen is 11 and last but not lest my little red head is going to be turning 2 at the end of September. I just came out with a book called Mommies' Priceless Moments. It's a collection of short funny stories from parents about their children.

I thought that I would make a blog that captures the chaos and bumps of motherhood in a witty humorous manner. I would also like to share with you some of the funny stories from my book.
I hope you enjoy this blog. If you have any funny stories you would like me to include on my blog email me at mommiespms@gmail.com