Chews Carefully

I hope this story doesn't make you too sick...I find it hilarious, a mom from Modesto sent it to me.

I could not for the life of me figure out what my daughter was chewing on.  I hadn’t given her any candy or food.  Yet there she was, chomping away on something.  The funny part was that Amber had been doing it for days before I actually figured out what was happening. 

You see, Amber is 2 years old and rambunctious, to say the least.  Her black curly hair is constantly bouncing around with jubilant playfulness.  Because of this, I shrugged off the apparent chewing.  I figured she was fooling around, making another one of those wildly silly faces she loved to make, gnawing on her tongue or lip.  It seemed like she came up with a new facial expression almost weekly.  If I had known what Amber was actually doing, I would have done something about it much sooner.

The day I found out the truth started out like any other day.  I took Amber to a decent restaurant for lunch.  Not fast food, but not really a fancy place, either.  While we were waiting for the food to arrive Amber slipped quietly beneath the table.  I lifted the edge of the black-checkered tablecloth, trying to sneak a peek at whatever she was doing.

Well, folks, there she was, my Pride and Joy - diligently picking at an already chewed piece of Juicy Fruit that was stuck to the underside of the table.  Worse than that, she already had some of it in her mouth and was chewing away, oblivious to the overwhelming disgustingness of her actions. I was repulsed; for an instant, I seriously felt like I might throw up right in front of everybody.  To think that my daughter was eating ABC (Already Been Chewed) bubble gum from the bottom of a restaurant table – gag!  I grabbed the nasty bit of gum she still had in her hand and pulled her from underneath the table.  The piece she was about to eat was full of unidentifiable filth and human hair.

“What are you DOING?” I hollered.  The entire restaurant was staring at me now.  I didn’t care.  I could not get over the fact that Amber had placed this gum in her mouth.  “That’s SO disgusting!  You have no idea where that gum’s been.”  Amber looked up at me calmly, very cool and collected, and made a stern and very serious face. I almost laughed when she said in her two-year-old voice, “I do so know where it’s been.  I got it from under the table.”  She shrugged her little shoulders and acted as if nothing had happened.

I looked around and realized I had created a scene in the restaurant.  I’m sure I turned red with embarrassment.  I scooped up my daughter and headed for the door, forgetting about the food that we ordered.  When we got to the car, I set Amber down for a second, to dig my keys from my purse.

Amber locked on to another piece of ABC bubble gum pressed into the asphalt of the parking lot.  She attacked it with fervor, obviously disappointed and feeling deprived for not having been able to finish the gum inside the restaurant.  That is when it dawned on me: she has been eating ABC gum from all over the place.  Every time I saw her chewing on something, it must have been “used” gum.  Worst of all, she must have been swallowing it, because I never found a single piece of gum left on anything.

I vomited right there in the parking lot.  The whole ordeal ended up being much worse for me than for Amber.  On the bright side, I am thrilled to report that she never got sick; she didn’t contract any rare and fatal diseases.  I’m telling you, my kid must have a cast iron stomach and an immune system to match.  While I, on the other hand, had embarrassed myself in front of the whole restaurant, then proceeded to vomit in their parking lot.  It just goes to show that children are stronger than we think and maybe having already chewed bubble gum as an occasional snack isn’t that big of a deal. YUCK!